Fox's new ploy? Ice instead of a dance floor

It doesn't take long to realize that Skating with Celebrities, Fox's latest competition series, has it all wrong. A spinoff of last summer's Dancing with the Stars, it offers six so-so celebrities the chance to pair up with a figure-skating pro and compete for bragging rights. But this time, the professionals hired are more famous than the Hollywood types they've been stuck with.

Eighties pop singer Deborah Gibson with Kurt Browning? Actress Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie) with Lloyd Eisler? Dave Coulier from TV's Full House with Nancy Kerrigan? The only appointed celebrity still worthy of the moniker is Olympian Bruce Jenner.

"In the skating world, we were the celebrities, but the show isn't like that," says Kurt Browning, four-time world champion. "The show is about the [Hollywood] celebrities and their struggle to give up their comfort zones and put it all on the line."

And that's okay with the man who was the first to land a quadruple toe loop in competition. "I knew my job," he says, laughing. "My job was to make Deborah look as good as I could make her look and help her win that thing."

His initial confusion is understandable. Browning's participation in the series was deemed so integral that Fox sent Gibson and a camera crew to Toronto last fall to record their practice sessions at his home rink. (No other pair was allowed this privilege.) Browning's touring schedule keeps him away from home so much that he wouldn't leave his family for six weeks. He and Gibson just flew to Los Angeles for show tapings.

The celebrity imbalance of Skating with Celebrities really hits you near the end of episode one when a judge reprimands former child star Todd Bridges (TV's Diff'rent Strokes) for his complete lack of artistry. Bereft of his own comeback line, Bridges grabs the mike and actually says "What-chu talkin' 'bout?" ripping off the catchphrase of his former co-star and fellow member of the Celebrity D-List, Gary Coleman. He looks so proud that you almost wish someone would stab him with a toe pick.

Putting up with Bridges, a hulk of a man on the ice who wears knee, wrist and elbow pads at practice, is U.S. national pairs champion and World pairs medalist Jenni Meno. Then there's sports personality Jillian Barberie (Fox NFL Sunday) being taught how to skate by three-time U.S. pairs and World medalist John Zimmerman. And 1976 gold-medal decathlete Jenner is paired with U.S. World pairs champion from the same decade, Tai Babilonia.

The pairs are judged by three experts: Dorothy Hamill plays the nice one; skating analyst and magazine editor Mark Lund is the bitchy one and coach John Nicks (who for some reason is called Sir John) is the nasty one, or perhaps the only judge willing to speak a scrap of truth. Just like at a real rink, viewers won't be able to vote. It's all up to the judges.

Browning was surprised the judges got so mouthy. "I did not expect that much personality out of them." After his first verbal judge slap in front of the studio audience and unblinking TV cameras, Browning says he thought: " 'I can't believe you are saying that to me . . . dude! You're slapping me around! Holy Cow.' It wasn't too rude, I just wasn't . . . well, I'm just used to hearing, 'Oh you're great!' "

Each week, the pros have to teach their celebrity a new skill to include in their routine. First, it's a three-revolution spin. Next week, it's synchronized footwork for half the length of the ice. It's not easy. Most of these celebs haven't worn skates before.

"I spent 30 years learning some moves that someone else who is just getting on the ice is going to try [to master] in just six weeks? Wow." This was a challenge that eventually appealed to Lloyd Eisler, two-time Olympic pairs medalist and World pairs champion (with his partner Isabelle Brasseur). Eisler is the perfect pro for a Fox show. He's opinionated, not afraid to complain openly about the judging, wears earrings and has his right eyebrow pierced. He's attitude on ice. "It's my personality to push the edge of all limits and challenge everything," he says. That Eisler's celebrity partner, Kristy Swanson, hadn't skated since she was 5 simply made him try harder: "It became very, very competitive and I was surprised at how hard we worked and how much we were able to achieve in such a short period of time."

But chutzpah doesn't protect from injury. Eisler lists the group's more memorable aches and pains: "Bruised ribs, dislocated vertebrae, Bruce Jenner fell and got cut for 16 stitches. Kristy fell and cut her chin quite badly, but no stitches were required. There were some good bruises. I had very serious tendinitis issues and a partially torn hamstring at one point. That's par for the course; you very rarely get to compete perfectly healthy."

The dangers of bringing a neophyte to competition level, even if the level is not that high, is something all the skating pros had to seriously consider before signing on. It's not just the physical-injury potential, after all, but the damage a possibly cheesy TV show could do to their image.

Both Eisler and Browning admit they had to mull it over.

"I'm putting my reputation and my quality of skating, 30-plus years of getting to the elitist level in our sport, on the line for a television show. And you know you're not going to be able to skate with someone that's like Isabelle Brasseur!" says Eisler. In the end, he was reassured by executive producer Arthur Smith, a Canadian figure-skating fan and former CBC Sports head. "So I went with an open mind -- it's going to be enjoyable . . ., so give it a shot."

Browning and his wife, National Ballet principal dancer Sonia Rodriguez, were big fans of Dancing with the Stars, so he already liked the idea, but it didn't get much respect from his colleagues: "People in the skating world told me not to do it. They said you're just going to embarrass yourself."

After all, the series is premiering in what's turning into a big year for the skater: Browning has just signed on as a prime-time analyst for CBC's Olympic coverage; he just finished covering the U.S. Nationals for ABC; earlier this month, he released a children's book (A Is for Axel); he's being inducted into the World Figure Skating Hall of Fame this spring; it's his 10th wedding anniversary in June and he'll be turning 40. "It's the busiest year of my life," he says.

What won him over was the show's fun premise. "If I'm entertaining people with my skating, isn't that what I do anyway? . . . It didn't feel slimy at all. You know why? They didn't stick us in a house together or make us eat rats or anything like that. It was all about the skating."